The insanely-easy-to-understand and well-tested political science that they use to teach first year students how to use political science says that requiring a photo I.D. at a polling station will disenfranchise significant voter populations, and those that it disenfranchises will almost all be poor. Having grown tired of the metaphorical exclamation ‘bullshit’, I tried another couple to describe what that is. Indiana’s voter I.D. law is an eight-foot-deep lagoon of festering hog crap. It’s buckets of warm vomit… None seemed to describe as accurately the legislation as my initial inclination. Indiana’s voter I.D. law is indeed bullshit.

We dispatched the Votelessness arts and sciences department to research the legislation for us and they agreed with our assertion. Indiana’s voter I.D. law is bullshit, indeed.

When reached for comment, the rich people who made and like this law said, “Indiana’s desire to prevent fraud and to inspire voter confidence in the election system are important…” To which we at Votelessness responded, “Cool, so you’re going after Diebold, excuse me, Premier Elections Solutions and ES&S?” An aide then whispered in our ear that the fraud they were talking about was people voting more than once, using different names. Since there isn’t any evidence of anyone trying to commit that type of fraud, we didn’t really get it and continued, “Do you think you will indict Kenneth Blackwell?” Upon the second whispering, we understood what the aide was saying and exclaimed, “That’s bullshit”. We were asked to stop asking things.

Stop asking we did. Now all we’re saying is that it is bullshit that the Supreme Court™ of The USA! upheld such a bullshit piece of legislation as Indiana’s voter I.D. law There is no evidence that anyone has ever even attempted the type of fraud this law ostensibly prevents, but there is ample evidence that such bullshit legal restrictions do disenfranchise significant numbers of voters. Those voters are almost always poor.

BULLSHIT!

The official website of the Department of State of Pennsylvania

At the time of the declaration, which was toward the beginning of the day, official results showed Barack Obama with 157,434 votes. Barack Obama was listed as having received 24,018 votes, and Barack Obama, according to official Department of State results, had received no votes. When reached for comment, the Obama camp said, “Senator Obama ran a great campaign, he deserved to beat both us and Senator Obama. We also believe that, if it weren’t for a glitch in the machinery used to tabulate the results of this election, Senator Clinton would not have defeated Senator Obama, Senator Obama or Senator Obama.

When asked to comment on statistical possibility of Senator Obama receiving zero votes, Pennsylvania’s Department of State spokesperson said, “Senator Obama’s zero votes will not affect the outcome of this election any more than Senator Obama’s one hundred fifty thousand votes.” When Votelessness then asked how to tell which Barack Obama received the most votes, given the remarkable similarities in spelling, the State Department’s spokesperson continued, “The one with the most votes got the most votes. Don’t worry, it won’t affect the outcome of the election. I’m sure of it.” He then grinned maniacally and gently caressed an electronic voting machine.

76% of participants also suggested testosterone therapy as a possible course of action. “How come the GOP can try to impeach a President with 80% approval rating, yet the Democratic leadership balks at impeaching a President with the lowest approval rating in a hundred years, and one who’s undeniably violated domestic and international laws. The Democrats have to butch up.” One respondent noted.

Hillary Clinton was quick to respond to the survey by grabbing her crotch and saying, “I’ve got the balls to be President. I’ve had Bill’s testicles surgically grafted onto myself. It’s part of our agreement. I think they really give me a swagger, but make my pant suits fit even tighter. And they itch a lot.”

Harry Reid was in the Senate “powder room” and couldn’t be reached for comment, but an aide for the Senator asked if the balls had to be a certain color: “Blue balls just don’t seem to send the right message,” he said.

Nancy Pelosi gave a statement that wearing truck balls was definitely off the table. “I think wearing plastic testicles would be divisive,” she stated. “Although, if I get the smooth, hairless ones, it will certainly get the attention of a number of my distinguished colleagues in the G.O.P.”

“Let’s face it,” Clinton explained. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. He put me on the political map, so it’s only fair that I repay him, should I win the ultimate political prize. When that call comes in at 3am, I don’t want to have to worry about where Bill might be. Lord knows, it’s not like they made us leave his balls behind when he left office – not like the furniture and artwork. He’s still disgustingly virile, though I categorically deny rumors that he suffers from a Viagra addiction. I mean, come on, what man his age doesn’t? Some wrap themselves in guns and religon, some wrap themselves in 4-hour erections and priapism. But no, I wouldn’t say he’s addicted, he’s just a bit bitter that he’s not going to be President again. This is just my way of sweetening the pot for him.”

When asked if naming him Director of White House Interns wasn’t inviting scandal, Clinton explained her reasoning: “Don’t forget that I’m a realist. I solve problems. Just having him in the White House is inviting scandal. Think about it. His duties as “First Lady” will require him to spend a lot of time with the spouses of visiting dignitaries. I’d rather he didn’t have a lot of pent up ‘protocol-bending’ urges to deal with it. If you’re going to put a fox in the hen house, you’d better feed him first. I’d rather any Slick Willy problems remain a domestic issue, not an international incident.”

When details of Bill Clinton’s duties as Director of Interns were raised, Hillary bristled at the notion that she was facilitating corruption of innocent young women. “I am absolutely NOT pimping the interns out,” she said. “And besides, they aren’t all so innocent. Some of them are sluts — predators, like the one’s Chris Hanson catches on Dateline. I won’t mention any names.”

Clinton went on to explain that her husband’s interactions with interns would be closely monitored and that safeguards would be in place. When asked for specifics, Clinton said, “Let’s just say they’re very similar to the stretcher and modified hockey mask used to contain Hannibal Lector in “The Silence of the Lambs.”

“I am a duck” she said as the crowd erupted with applause as if on cue and not even listening to what she was saying.

“I am a duck” she repeated, this time cutting the crowd off before they could applaud with “quack, quack, quack, quack…”. The crowd then erupted in applause and cheers twice as strong as before…apparently thinking she said something meaningful.

Appearing as though she had been working on her comedic timing in order to keep up with the brilliant comedic rhetoric of Bush, Cheney, and Obama, she cleverly waited until the crowd died down completely, then, appearing as if she were once again about to say something serious if not meaningful, grinned as she added “quack”.

The moronic crowd of supporters exploded in laughter as they each jockeyed to be on camera.

She then continued, “I’m a duck…but the people of (insert your city, state name here) want jobs right? I can sit here and quack all night then follow it up with some generalized promise of some vague improvement from our current conditions just to get your vote. I can sit here and say anything I want and it really doesn’t mean anything in reality. Why? You ask why? It should be obvious….I’m a duck.” The crowd once again erupted in applause, although a few seemed confused by her use of complicated terminology.

Concluding with a final summary of what she believes is wrong with American politics, Hillary said “If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck…then it’s probably a duck on the take running for office, and it should make no difference what the duck says, the duck is rich and doesn’t care about you because it’s just a damn duck who wants to live in the White House….do you have any clue what the average I.Q. is? You know what…nevermind. Oh yeah, and screw China because we need those jobs here in America despite the fact that we aren’t willing to work that hard for such little money.”

Apparently stunned by her blatant honesty, a hush fell over the crowd. Realizing her mistake, she quickly recovered with “Republicans suck! Quack, quack, quack quack…” and walked off stage waving as the crowd went wild with blind adoration and/or conditioned dislike of Republicans.

Maria Potts, ten-year-old, today discovered the root of our economy’s current turmoil. Potts, using addition and subtraction, came to the conclusion that the economy is in the dire situation that it is because the people we put in charge of it are “just stupid… and boring”. Using a ‘burnt umber’ Crayola, yellow Sharpie, finger paint and some sheets of construction paper cut into hearts, Ms. Potts outlined for Votelessness the calculus she used to determine what she calls “the stupid dumbness of the dumb stupid heads”. It is her contention that America’s economic woes are as a direct result of the fact that “…the President and stuff hafta review their pluses and minuses.”

In a not-very-elaborate equation, Ms. Potts elaborated upon her basic contention that, “duh, of course the eco.. eko.. ecnom.. economy sucks” by showing how “everyone who wants to be President is much dumber than [her].” In burnt umber, she indicated the amount of money spent so far by all three of the remaining Presidential hopefuls on their bids for the white house. Senator Obama’s name was marked with a horsie, because he was the top spender at $113 million dollars. Mrs. Clinton spent $105 million, which earned her a kitten wearing a sweater drawn next to her name, and Senator McCain, who only spent $60 million was given a glittery star sticker instead of a hand drawn animal.

Underneath the numbers for each of the candidates, Ms. Potts then wrote, in yellow Sharpie, the current salary of the President of the United States, which is $400,000. In rainbow fingerpaint she itemized the ‘extra stuff’ the President gets, like a $50,000 a year expense account, $100,000 non-taxable travel account and a $19,000 entertainment budget. Then, after carrying the one, she declared that “Even if one of those stupids gets to be president twice in a row, they will only make $4,552,000.” Sources close to Votelessness tell us that Potts did have to consult her ‘times-tables’ to reach these figures, but independent analysis confirmed the accuracy of her results.

Potts, who admittedly is not as good at subtraction as she is at addition, continued that, “The old guy, who spent the least would lose $54,448,000 if he became President. The angry lady would lose $99,448,000 and the black guy with the giant ears would lose $107,448,000.” According to Ms. Potts, that is “dumber than Jimmy Peterson, and he eats his boogers.” She concluded, “No wonder the economy (whatever that is) is in such bad shape. Look at the people in charge.” She then made the letter ‘L’ with her thumb and forefinger and placed it on her forehead.

Former President Bill Clinton, supported his wife’s position, “I don’t know if Robin can box, but Mike sure could, that’s good enough for me.” He was then asked that if proximity to power equaled experience, wouldn’t Monica Lewinsky then, be better qualified than his wife to be President? The former President, blushing somewhat, responded with a wistful look, “I don’t know, Monica DID get as close to presidential power as just about anybody alive. Not just close, she engulfed it! She was hungry –hungry and skillful, but not power-hungry like Hillary. So I’d say Hillary is still the more qualified of the two to become president. Ambition trumps suction in this case.”

As the secret service whisked the former president away, other aides to Mrs. Clinton were quick to point out that despite support for Ms. Givens, her support for many of the other, somewhat similar claims were just rumors: “Hillary absolutely does not support Lynn Blitzer’s right to anchor the news on CNN, nor does she agree with Lynn Cheney’s ambitions of starting her own shadow government in the bunker under the White House.”

Hearing of the exchange between her staffers and Votelessness, Clinton quickly agreed with her aides’ assertion that there were a lot of rumors circulating, but added that she would whole-heartedly support Cindy McCain’s internment in a North Vietnamese POW camp.

Please visit Paul Lander’s website

Obama, who has now hired his dog to be his “spinmaster”, after seeing how well he chased his tail, allowed his dog to answer the rest of the questions on his behalf, thereby avoiding any legal liability (for either the Obama camp or Votelessness). Luckily the dog is named Obama Barack, thereby avoiding any confusion in referencing the following quotes.

“She can’t seriously think she is going to win this whole thing…can she?” he commented. It’s no secret that Obama and Clinton are rivals in the Democrats’ puppet race. Obviously, they are competing for the same position, but Barack has continued to be a gentleman and a good sport in front of the cameras, despite Hillary’s occasional tactless if not childish attacks on him.

Off the record Obama is apparently far more willing to critique his Democratic competition, as well as any of the American people that may have voted for her.
“You’ve got to be f-n kidding me?” his spokesdog lamented after watching her victory speech on Tuesday evening, followed by “…for Christ’s sake…my apologies to all the semi-bitter, Jesus-loving, gun-toting Americans out there…but, how can we possibly look up to a woman like her as president? I mean, essentially she filled the same role as Monica Lewinsky in the grand scheme of things. Looking up at Bill Clinton while he happens to be in the White House does not a leader of the free world make. Can you even put that on your resume?”

Although many may be somewhat disarmed by his surprising candor and Yoda-like perspective on things, Obama is clearly a much better orator than Hillary, and it has been reflected in the polling. Well, no, actually it hasn’t.

Since neither Democrats nor Republicans feel it is important to balance the proverbial national checkbook and continue to spend money like they themselves printed it, Obama is right in that “it doesn’t really matter” who wins. It is the future generations who will be paying for the red, white, and blue circus we’re watching parade across the television in one way or another.

Asked to comment on Barack’s statement that it “doesn’t really matter who wins” because we’re leaving all the real problems for future generations, McCain responded “Ha-ha”.

Perhaps in the most articulate quote of the entire campaign, Obama’s dog concluded “If we don’t win, fuck it.”

The previous story, although entirely fictitious, has been censored anyway. God bless America and the freedom of speech.