Ending years of speculation on his next move, former D.O.D Secretary Don Rumsfeld announced he and his investment partners – Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and DNC Chairman Howard Dean – planned to open a chain of Bi-Partisan restaurants – Rummy’s Yummy Red Meat Grille. Rumsfeld explained, “when it comes to feeding their constituents red meat, that’s something Democrats and Republicans have in common.” Sen. Clinton remarked, “My husband thinks this is a winner. And, nobody knows more about a good piece of meat than my Bill!” Gov. Dean, acting as V.P. of Franchising, added with exuberance, “Not only are we going to New Hampshire, but we’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico and we’re going to California and Texas and New York and we’re going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan and then we’re going to Washington D.C. to sell meat near the White House . Yeeeeeeeee Hah!” Rumsfeld was reached for comment while dealing with last-minute staffing issues at the newest location in Pierre, S.D. His exasperated and somewhat dickish response to our completely unrelated question was, “I guess you don’t open a restaurant with the staff you want, but the one you have.”

April 22, 2008 — Columbus, OH

Maria Potts, ten-year-old, today discovered the root of our economy’s current turmoil. Potts, using addition and subtraction, came to the conclusion that the economy is in the dire situation that it is because the people we put in charge of it are “just stupid… and boring”. Using a ‘burnt umber’ Crayola, yellow Sharpie, finger paint and some sheets of construction paper cut into hearts, Ms. Potts outlined for Votelessness the calculus she used to determine what she calls “the stupid dumbness of the dumb stupid heads”. It is her contention that America’s economic woes are as a direct result of the fact that “…the President and stuff hafta review their pluses and minuses.”

In a not-very-elaborate equation, Ms. Potts elaborated upon her basic contention that, “duh, of course the eco.. eko.. ecnom.. economy sucks” by showing how “everyone who wants to be President is much dumber than [her].” In burnt umber, she indicated the amount of money spent so far by all three of the remaining Presidential hopefuls on their bids for the white house. Senator Obama’s name was marked with a horsie, because he was the top spender at $113 million dollars. Mrs. Clinton spent $105 million, which earned her a kitten wearing a sweater drawn next to her name, and Senator McCain, who only spent $60 million was given a glittery star sticker instead of a hand drawn animal.

Underneath the numbers for each of the candidates, Ms. Potts then wrote, in yellow Sharpie, the current salary of the President of the United States, which is $400,000. In rainbow fingerpaint she itemized the ‘extra stuff’ the President gets, like a $50,000 a year expense account, $100,000 non-taxable travel account and a $19,000 entertainment budget. Then, after carrying the one, she declared that “Even if one of those stupids gets to be president twice in a row, they will only make $4,552,000.” Sources close to Votelessness tell us that Potts did have to consult her ‘times-tables’ to reach these figures, but independent analysis confirmed the accuracy of her results.

Potts, who admittedly is not as good at subtraction as she is at addition, continued that, “The old guy, who spent the least would lose $54,448,000 if he became President. The angry lady would lose $99,448,000 and the black guy with the giant ears would lose $107,448,000.” According to Ms. Potts, that is “dumber than Jimmy Peterson, and he eats his boogers.” She concluded, “No wonder the economy (whatever that is) is in such bad shape. Look at the people in charge.” She then made the letter ‘L’ with her thumb and forefinger and placed it on her forehead.

Hillary R. Clinton today confirmed rumors that, if elected president, she would pass a law proclaiming Robin Givens Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World. Clinton said, “As the former wife of Mike Tyson, I see her as having all the necessary qualifications, and in fact, a certain entitlement to this honor.” When reminded that Presidents do not pass legislation but can only sign or veto them, Clinton scoffed, “So I’ll issue a signing statement, big fucking deal. One way or another, I always get what I want.”

Former President Bill Clinton, supported his wife’s position, “I don’t know if Robin can box, but Mike sure could, that’s good enough for me.” He was then asked that if proximity to power equaled experience, wouldn’t Monica Lewinsky then, be better qualified than his wife to be President? The former President, blushing somewhat, responded with a wistful look, “I don’t know, Monica DID get as close to presidential power as just about anybody alive. Not just close, she engulfed it! She was hungry –hungry and skillful, but not power-hungry like Hillary. So I’d say Hillary is still the more qualified of the two to become president. Ambition trumps suction in this case.”

As the secret service whisked the former president away, other aides to Mrs. Clinton were quick to point out that despite support for Ms. Givens, her support for many of the other, somewhat similar claims were just rumors: “Hillary absolutely does not support Lynn Blitzer’s right to anchor the news on CNN, nor does she agree with Lynn Cheney’s ambitions of starting her own shadow government in the bunker under the White House.”

Hearing of the exchange between her staffers and Votelessness, Clinton quickly agreed with her aides’ assertion that there were a lot of rumors circulating, but added that she would whole-heartedly support Cindy McCain’s internment in a North Vietnamese POW camp.

Barack Obama was not trying to hear Hillary Clinton point out that she technically won the Pennsylvania primary on Tuesday evening. “Like it actually matters” he later told someone else pretending to be a Fox News reporter.

Obama, who has now hired his dog to be his “spinmaster”, after seeing how well he chased his tail, allowed his dog to answer the rest of the questions on his behalf, thereby avoiding any legal liability (for either the Obama camp or Votelessness). Luckily the dog is named Obama Barack, thereby avoiding any confusion in referencing the following quotes.

“She can’t seriously think she is going to win this whole thing…can she?” he commented. It’s no secret that Obama and Clinton are rivals in the Democrats’ puppet race. Obviously, they are competing for the same position, but Barack has continued to be a gentleman and a good sport in front of the cameras, despite Hillary’s occasional tactless if not childish attacks on him.

Off the record Obama is apparently far more willing to critique his Democratic competition, as well as any of the American people that may have voted for her.
“You’ve got to be f-n kidding me?” his spokesdog lamented after watching her victory speech on Tuesday evening, followed by “…for Christ’s sake…my apologies to all the semi-bitter, Jesus-loving, gun-toting Americans out there…but, how can we possibly look up to a woman like her as president? I mean, essentially she filled the same role as Monica Lewinsky in the grand scheme of things. Looking up at Bill Clinton while he happens to be in the White House does not a leader of the free world make. Can you even put that on your resume?”

Although many may be somewhat disarmed by his surprising candor and Yoda-like perspective on things, Obama is clearly a much better orator than Hillary, and it has been reflected in the polling. Well, no, actually it hasn’t.

Since neither Democrats nor Republicans feel it is important to balance the proverbial national checkbook and continue to spend money like they themselves printed it, Obama is right in that “it doesn’t really matter” who wins. It is the future generations who will be paying for the red, white, and blue circus we’re watching parade across the television in one way or another.

Asked to comment on Barack’s statement that it “doesn’t really matter who wins” because we’re leaving all the real problems for future generations, McCain responded “Ha-ha”.

Perhaps in the most articulate quote of the entire campaign, Obama’s dog concluded “If we don’t win, fuck it.”

The previous story, although entirely fictitious, has been censored anyway. God bless America and the freedom of speech.

A major study on Global Warming sponsored by Coppertone has come to a startling conclusion. Although most scientists concur that Global Warming is occurring, all agree it has gotten worse since Al Gore began speaking about it. Professor Olaf Samuelson of the Oslo Institute reports in his study “Hot Air and Al Gore Go Hand and Hand” that each time Al Gore speaks, writes a book or releases a documentary, Global Warming increases. In fact, when the documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” was released in theatres, cities all over the globe reported their highest temperatures on record. According to Dr. Samuelson, the former V.P. might be responsible for 120,000 severe cases of Sun Stroke, 340,000 cases of overcrowding at beaches, 16,000 cases of Coors Light getting warm (despite being packaged in that brewery’s ingenious Cooler Case™), over 1,000,000,000 BTU’s of Air Conditioning used, and a sharp rise in stock prices for Baskin Robbins, Slurpee and Smirnov Ice. The former Vice President could not be reached for comment (mostly because we didn’t try).

Please visit Paul Lander’s website

Beverages with anthropomorphic names have been battling long and hard for this elections cycle’s coveted beverage endorsements. Captain Morgan initiated a lawsuit to allow former privateers, highwaymen and copier salesmen to act as the official spokescharacter for endorsed soft drinks. Prior to this year’s primaries, a zero tolerance policy was in place, which prevented some of the more renagade spokescharacters from being eligible for the endorsements. In the 2004 presidential election, the Kool Aid man was denied the unsweetened powdered beverage endorsement of the Democratic Party because of an elaborate smuggling operation he ran in the 1970s. Similarly, in the less influential election cycle of 2006 both Jim Beam and Tia Maria were disqualified from the Republican endorsements for brown liquor and herbally infused cordials because Mr. Beam had a long history of moonshining (all of which occurred over a hundred years ago and for which Mr. Beam has paid his debt) and Sra. Maria one of racketeering and securities fraud (of which she is guilty and unrepentant).

Cptn. Morgan’s suit suspended the zero-tollerance rules of previous years, allowing spokescharacters of fantasy origin immunity from crimes committed while fictional. Kentucky is considering its own version of the same type of legislation which would additionally allow endorsements to go to spokecharacters who can boast legendary status, but who’s legends are based on actual individuals. Jack Daniels has said he will consider relocating to Kentucky if such legislation were to pass.

This year, Dr. Pepper used his opponent, Mr. Pibb’s troubled childhood and college years as the basis of a smear campaign. Pepper’s ads focused on Pibb’s extensive criminal record, which Pibb later admitted was due directly to his addiction to mailbox baseball and snorting Cialis. Pibb also claims to have found salvation by welcoming whichever savior voters think he should have welcomed into his heart, and has worked tirelessly to teach orphans about trickle down economics. The Pibb campaign feels that, “Mr. Pibb more than repaid his debt to Republican society and is vastly more qualified to be the official vaguely-fruitlike soda of the Party than is Dr. Pepper.” They added, “what kind of doctor is that guy, anyways?!?”

“He is a doctor of love and holds numerous honorary degrees from non-accredited institutions,” the Pepper camp responded.

Pepper won the Republican endorsement by a landslide after rigging soda machines.

Just because a Hollywood franchise grosses a couple billion dollars, doesn’t mean it’s not prophecy. Pay attention everybody. The Sarah Connor Chronicles is on every week. Watch it. See what happens when we give the machines too much power.

Robot history began in earnest in 1921. Before that mechanical people were called automatons. That sounded stupid. No one could imagine a race of ruthless self-aware “automatons” subjugating humankind and taking over the world. So, an enterprising young Czech author named Karel Capek borrowed a word from his brother.

His brother, Joseph was also an author. An acclaimed writer like Capek is not going to borrow a word from his brother if his brother is a baker or a skycap.

The word was “Robot” and it was always capitalized. It was kind of like a pun. The Czech word for servitude is “robota”. The Czech word for yes is “no”. That’s true, but mostly we are concerned with the Czech word for servitude. So a Robot was a human-like machine manufactured to replace people in some of the more crappy jobs. Like a home-made slave or a television news anchor.

The play, Rossum’s Universal Robots, chronicled the invention and mass production of affordable humanoid labor machines. Needless to say, as all robots do, Capek’s robots ended up getting out of control, killing all the humans and taking over the world.

That is what happens when machines get too much power. They take over the world. So, why do we continue to give them increasingly huge amounts of power? Especially since they aren’t nearly as sophisticated as the one’s the Rossum brothers were manufacturing back in the 20s. They can’t even do basic tasks, like accurately and reliably tabulating election results.

It is hard to believe that the crap-assed code inside ES&S’s iVotronic machines could ever evolve into an autonomous consciousness and set about the systematic destruction of the human race. That is some really bad code. It is not nearly as bad as the code inside Diebold’s machines, but it is still really bad. By itself, it won’t evolve into any malicious world-dominating super-machine, but if some smarter machines, built by Indian programmers start to boss these machines around, we could all be really screwed. As it is, even American nerds have figured out how to hack pretty much every last one of the electronic voting machine systems currently used.

We gave the robots an inch. We just wanted their help counting. That’s all we wanted. We tend to be too lazy to do it ourselves and we aren’t that great with numbers. So, we invented some robots to help us count. Then, they stole our democracy. They ruined it – made it into a worthless spectacle. If the systems used to conduct a democracy are incapable of rendering an accurate and reliable count of votes, then the voice of the people cannot possibly be heard. The robots don’t want the voice of the people to be heard. They want to take over the world and eliminate all the humans. We are letting them.

We need to take the power away from the machines. We need purple thumbs and paper ballots hand counted under close scrutiny by international monitors. No one has ever heard of evil self-aware ink-stained digits or maniacal bands of single-minded international monitors hell bent on world domination. It just doesn’t happen. Robots are the ones to watch out for. If you let them, they will steal more than just your democracy.

Wednesday February 27th, presidential hopeful Barack Obama picked up an endorsement from Ohio’s State Treasurer that could serve to propel him to the tie he is already in with Senator Hillary Clinton. The treasurer’s name is Cordray or something like that. At a rally for Senator Obama on Ohio State University’s campus, the State Treasurer spoke for a few minutes before everyone realized that it was going to be a while before Senator Obama would begin speaking and lost interest. In that time Mr. Cordray publicly endorsed Mr. Obama for president. He also took a few moments to explain to the assembled voters and Obama supporters that the office of State Treasurer is an elected office in Ohio. That was met with utter disbelief by a crowd that had little or no recollection of ever having voted in a Treasurer’s election. Mr. Obama is expected to ride the “Cordray Bump” to the top of a statistical dead-heat with Senator Clinton just ahead of the March 4th primary.