According to the results of a phone survey released today, 56% of registered Democrats think their leadership, in particular Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, would do well to find some “cajones”. Another 34% of respondents indicated they were in favor of the leadership “growing a pair”. Yet another 13% (The equipment used to conduct and tabulate the results of the poll was manufactured by Diebold) were strongly in favor of finding a set of “pills” each for Congresspersons Pelosi and Reid. The survey, conducted by IMHO Research, revealed that most Democrats felt the majority leaders would benefit from wearing what are popularly known as “Truck Balls.” As one distinguished Congressman from a strongly bipartisan state put it, “Even if you are a political pussy, at least you can LOOK like you have some balls. Maybe that will help.”

76% of participants also suggested testosterone therapy as a possible course of action. “How come the GOP can try to impeach a President with 80% approval rating, yet the Democratic leadership balks at impeaching a President with the lowest approval rating in a hundred years, and one who’s undeniably violated domestic and international laws. The Democrats have to butch up.” One respondent noted.

Hillary Clinton was quick to respond to the survey by grabbing her crotch and saying, “I’ve got the balls to be President. I’ve had Bill’s testicles surgically grafted onto myself. It’s part of our agreement. I think they really give me a swagger, but make my pant suits fit even tighter. And they itch a lot.”

Harry Reid was in the Senate “powder room” and couldn’t be reached for comment, but an aide for the Senator asked if the balls had to be a certain color: “Blue balls just don’t seem to send the right message,” he said.

Nancy Pelosi gave a statement that wearing truck balls was definitely off the table. “I think wearing plastic testicles would be divisive,” she stated. “Although, if I get the smooth, hairless ones, it will certainly get the attention of a number of my distinguished colleagues in the G.O.P.”

Stepping off the airplane to begin her campaigning for the Indiana primary, Hillary Clinton responded to questions about what role her husband would play in the White House, should she get elected. Clinton then made a startling announcement: Bill Clinton would be named Director of White House Interns.

“Let’s face it,” Clinton explained. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. He put me on the political map, so it’s only fair that I repay him, should I win the ultimate political prize. When that call comes in at 3am, I don’t want to have to worry about where Bill might be. Lord knows, it’s not like they made us leave his balls behind when he left office – not like the furniture and artwork. He’s still disgustingly virile, though I categorically deny rumors that he suffers from a Viagra addiction. I mean, come on, what man his age doesn’t? Some wrap themselves in guns and religon, some wrap themselves in 4-hour erections and priapism. But no, I wouldn’t say he’s addicted, he’s just a bit bitter that he’s not going to be President again. This is just my way of sweetening the pot for him.”

When asked if naming him Director of White House Interns wasn’t inviting scandal, Clinton explained her reasoning: “Don’t forget that I’m a realist. I solve problems. Just having him in the White House is inviting scandal. Think about it. His duties as “First Lady” will require him to spend a lot of time with the spouses of visiting dignitaries. I’d rather he didn’t have a lot of pent up ‘protocol-bending’ urges to deal with it. If you’re going to put a fox in the hen house, you’d better feed him first. I’d rather any Slick Willy problems remain a domestic issue, not an international incident.”

When details of Bill Clinton’s duties as Director of Interns were raised, Hillary bristled at the notion that she was facilitating corruption of innocent young women. “I am absolutely NOT pimping the interns out,” she said. “And besides, they aren’t all so innocent. Some of them are sluts — predators, like the one’s Chris Hanson catches on Dateline. I won’t mention any names.”

Clinton went on to explain that her husband’s interactions with interns would be closely monitored and that safeguards would be in place. When asked for specifics, Clinton said, “Let’s just say they’re very similar to the stretcher and modified hockey mask used to contain Hannibal Lector in “The Silence of the Lambs.”

John McCain demonstrated this week that he is even more full of shit than you previously thought. Speaking before an assembly of members of the VFW, Mr. McCain stated that we are no longer staring into the abyss of defeat in Iraq. That statement alone wouldn’t have resonated as complete horseshit, if McCain had immediately followed it with an intimation that we were actually staring OUT of the abyss that we have so obviously been in since the disasterously ill-advised invasion of the country in 2003. McCain did not offer any such intimations. Instead he suggested that we are close to success. Well, at least he suggested that there is such a thing as success in Iraq, which is utter and unabashed nonsense.

McCain even offered a cursory definition of what success in Iraq might look like. He said, “success in Iraq is the establishment of a generally peaceful, stable, prosperous, democratic state that poses no threat to its neighbors and contributes to the defeat of terrorists.” He then continued with a bunch of other bull crap about personal and religious freedoms and the ability for regular Iraqis to live a normal life. McCain was not seen winking or shaking his head following the comments. Neither did he close his statements with a pause and then ‘not!’ or ‘psych!’ indicating that he is either an unrepentant bald-faced liar or an absolute idiot.

McCain has visited the country on numerous occasions since we the people allowed (and even supported) the mean-spirited imbecile who stole the White House from president Gore to invade. Sources inside the McCain campaign who are responsible for explaining the utter blather that pours from their candidates mouth suggested that Mr. McCain may have had his eyes closed the entire time he was in Iraq. That, they suggested, would mean that he is not lying about the quagmire of violence and destruction from which the country will never recover, but he is simply ignorant of it. There is ample evidence, however, that Mr. McCain did have his eyes open on at least one of his visits to the country, even if they were only open for the time it took for the film crews and photographers to capture Mr. McCain looking at stuff.

Wally came into this world in 1945. Little is known (by me) of how it happened. I assume he was hatched from an errant spore or left in a basket somewhere. He was most likely of modest beginnings, but worked tremendously hard to get both of his electrical engineering degrees and his MBA. Then he got really rich making voting machines.

After he got rich, he started thinking like a rich guy, so he became really active in the Republican Party. They loved him. His name was Wally and he made voting machines. Republicans love nicknames and closed source election tallying software coupled to touch-screen machines that leave no paper trail. Everybody knows that.

Wally was on a roll. He could do no wrong (for the Republican Party). The catastrophe of the 2000 election was about to prompt some serious motions in committees all over Washington. Those motions were going to make it through their committees, on to the floor and into the giant safe in the basement of the White House where we keep all of our laws.

Those laws would then tell us all that we had to use some Diebold election screeny thing instead of the punchy paper whatchamabobs the next time we voted . (At least some of us would. Some of us would be using similar touchy screen things made by ES&S. They, too, have a really interesting story. But, I seem to have wandered off-course a little…)

Diebold was Wally’s company! He was in the freekin’ money. Everyone was high fivin’ him, all the time. That was really awkward. You know how square old rich white guys high five, right? Awkward. But, he was poised to make some serious loot. He was thinking, “man, it sure has been great exploiting my partisan connections to land giant government contracts for which my really cool and tremendously rich company will manufacture substandard equipment with little accountability or security, but for which I shall get mega paid.” That was unusual for Wally. Thinking. Thinking was unusual for Wally. At least I have to assume it was. I know very little about the inner workings of Wally’s mind. As such, I will work from the premise that it functions exactly like mine, and that is how I would have reacted to a giant government contract to make crappy voting machines for huge loot and to get to choose the next President.

So, the Help America Vote Act of 2002 made Wally a player. He felt he owed the government something back. He had a great idea – which he wrote down – in an invitation to a 2003 Bush/Cheney fundraiser he was having at his crib (which, if it had ever made it to “Cribs” would have put all the other cribs to shame).

Since I’ve been coloring up the story a little (Walden O’Dell is really tremendously boring in real life – and, he’s really really really bald – and kind of fat – and probably evil), I will continue to do so by suggesting that the invite asked guests to indicate on their RSVPs whether they preferred plain bologna or hoagie-style sandwiches. It promised there would be an electric bull (at least it would have been cool if it would have). Oh, and it also promised to deliver Ohio’s electoral votes to Bush in 2004. That last part is for sure. It did promise Ohio’s electoral votes. I’m less sure about the electric bull and the hoagies. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only one of those things the invitation written by Walden O’Dell on August 14th, 2003 promised was to deliver Ohio’s electoral votes to George W. Bush.

Deliver them he did.

Oops. A year after he delivered Ohio’s electoral votes to George W. Bush, Walden O’Dell resigned from Diebold, because he had been caught dipping his scrotum into random Tupperware containers in the fridge in the breakroom. Actually, that is not at all why he resigned. WALDEN O’DELL NEVER TOOK HIS SCROTUM OUT OF HIS PANTS AT WORK. He was too busy delivering Ohio’s electoral votes to George W. Bush.

Wally resigned amid massive insider trading allegations and the discovery of his giant collection of ‘inter-generational’ pornography. He was really into old dudes. I know, pretty crazy right? Right. That is crazy. If he were in to ‘inter-generational’ porn, he would have gone the other way. WALDEN O’DELL DID NOT GET CAUGHT WITH ANY PORNOGRAPHY OF ANY KIND. He just resigned because of the insider trading stuff.

I personally wish he had held on to his position as CEO and then died in a shootout when they came to take him away.

Unfortunately, Walden O’Dell is still alive.

Read More about Wally O’Dell:
At CommonDreams.org
At NNDB
At Brad Blog