Electionistic Strategery

Official Pennsylvania Results: Obama Defeats Self

By Johnny Davis ⋅ April 25, 2008 ⋅ Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

The official website of the Department of State of Pennsylvania declared Tuesday that Barack Obama lost that state’s primary to Hillary Clinton by a ten percentage point margin. The same website also officially declared that Barack Obama lost to Barack Obama, who in turn lost to Barack Obama who lost to Hillary Clinton.

At the time of the declaration, which was toward the beginning of the day, official results showed Barack Obama with 157,434 votes. Barack Obama was listed as having received 24,018 votes, and Barack Obama, according to official Department of State results, had received no votes. When reached for comment, the Obama camp said, “Senator Obama ran a great campaign, he deserved to beat both us and Senator Obama. We also believe that, if it weren’t for a glitch in the machinery used to tabulate the results of this election, Senator Clinton would not have defeated Senator Obama, Senator Obama or Senator Obama.

When asked to comment on statistical possibility of Senator Obama receiving zero votes, Pennsylvania’s Department of State spokesperson said, “Senator Obama’s zero votes will not affect the outcome of this election any more than Senator Obama’s one hundred fifty thousand votes.” When Votelessness then asked how to tell which Barack Obama received the most votes, given the remarkable similarities in spelling, the State Department’s spokesperson continued, “The one with the most votes got the most votes. Don’t worry, it won’t affect the outcome of the election. I’m sure of it.” He then grinned maniacally and gently caressed an electronic voting machine.