Electionistic Strategery

Senator Clinton Says Nothing Important

By JFC ⋅ April 24, 2008 ⋅ Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

In a stump speech in whatever frigging state they are campaigning in now, Hillary Clinton was cheered on by her highly screened, selected, and planted supporters as they all crammed together just enough to fill up the entire camera shot. Under signs displaying her name and claiming any number of broad-based, overly-generalized yet positive slogans, she gave a rousing speech about being a duck.

“I am a duck” she said as the crowd erupted with applause as if on cue and not even listening to what she was saying.

“I am a duck” she repeated, this time cutting the crowd off before they could applaud with “quack, quack, quack, quack…”. The crowd then erupted in applause and cheers twice as strong as before…apparently thinking she said something meaningful.

Appearing as though she had been working on her comedic timing in order to keep up with the brilliant comedic rhetoric of Bush, Cheney, and Obama, she cleverly waited until the crowd died down completely, then, appearing as if she were once again about to say something serious if not meaningful, grinned as she added “quack”.

The moronic crowd of supporters exploded in laughter as they each jockeyed to be on camera.

She then continued, “I’m a duck…but the people of (insert your city, state name here) want jobs right? I can sit here and quack all night then follow it up with some generalized promise of some vague improvement from our current conditions just to get your vote. I can sit here and say anything I want and it really doesn’t mean anything in reality. Why? You ask why? It should be obvious….I’m a duck.” The crowd once again erupted in applause, although a few seemed confused by her use of complicated terminology.

Concluding with a final summary of what she believes is wrong with American politics, Hillary said “If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck…then it’s probably a duck on the take running for office, and it should make no difference what the duck says, the duck is rich and doesn’t care about you because it’s just a damn duck who wants to live in the White House….do you have any clue what the average I.Q. is? You know what…nevermind. Oh yeah, and screw China because we need those jobs here in America despite the fact that we aren’t willing to work that hard for such little money.”

Apparently stunned by her blatant honesty, a hush fell over the crowd. Realizing her mistake, she quickly recovered with “Republicans suck! Quack, quack, quack quack…” and walked off stage waving as the crowd went wild with blind adoration and/or conditioned dislike of Republicans.