We The People

Hillary’s Plan to Pay “The Bill”: An Intern and nice bottle of Chianti?

By F.M. Flash ⋅ April 24, 2008 ⋅ Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

Stepping off the airplane to begin her campaigning for the Indiana primary, Hillary Clinton responded to questions about what role her husband would play in the White House, should she get elected. Clinton then made a startling announcement: Bill Clinton would be named Director of White House Interns.

“Let’s face it,” Clinton explained. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. He put me on the political map, so it’s only fair that I repay him, should I win the ultimate political prize. When that call comes in at 3am, I don’t want to have to worry about where Bill might be. Lord knows, it’s not like they made us leave his balls behind when he left office – not like the furniture and artwork. He’s still disgustingly virile, though I categorically deny rumors that he suffers from a Viagra addiction. I mean, come on, what man his age doesn’t? Some wrap themselves in guns and religon, some wrap themselves in 4-hour erections and priapism. But no, I wouldn’t say he’s addicted, he’s just a bit bitter that he’s not going to be President again. This is just my way of sweetening the pot for him.”

When asked if naming him Director of White House Interns wasn’t inviting scandal, Clinton explained her reasoning: “Don’t forget that I’m a realist. I solve problems. Just having him in the White House is inviting scandal. Think about it. His duties as “First Lady” will require him to spend a lot of time with the spouses of visiting dignitaries. I’d rather he didn’t have a lot of pent up ‘protocol-bending’ urges to deal with it. If you’re going to put a fox in the hen house, you’d better feed him first. I’d rather any Slick Willy problems remain a domestic issue, not an international incident.”

When details of Bill Clinton’s duties as Director of Interns were raised, Hillary bristled at the notion that she was facilitating corruption of innocent young women. “I am absolutely NOT pimping the interns out,” she said. “And besides, they aren’t all so innocent. Some of them are sluts — predators, like the one’s Chris Hanson catches on Dateline. I won’t mention any names.”

Clinton went on to explain that her husband’s interactions with interns would be closely monitored and that safeguards would be in place. When asked for specifics, Clinton said, “Let’s just say they’re very similar to the stretcher and modified hockey mask used to contain Hannibal Lector in “The Silence of the Lambs.”