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Dr. Pepper Accepts Republican Soda Nomination

By honcho ⋅ April 17, 2008 ⋅ Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

Beverages with anthropomorphic names have been battling long and hard for this elections cycle’s coveted beverage endorsements. Captain Morgan initiated a lawsuit to allow former privateers, highwaymen and copier salesmen to act as the official spokescharacter for endorsed soft drinks. Prior to this year’s primaries, a zero tolerance policy was in place, which prevented some of the more renagade spokescharacters from being eligible for the endorsements. In the 2004 presidential election, the Kool Aid man was denied the unsweetened powdered beverage endorsement of the Democratic Party because of an elaborate smuggling operation he ran in the 1970s. Similarly, in the less influential election cycle of 2006 both Jim Beam and Tia Maria were disqualified from the Republican endorsements for brown liquor and herbally infused cordials because Mr. Beam had a long history of moonshining (all of which occurred over a hundred years ago and for which Mr. Beam has paid his debt) and Sra. Maria one of racketeering and securities fraud (of which she is guilty and unrepentant).

Cptn. Morgan’s suit suspended the zero-tollerance rules of previous years, allowing spokescharacters of fantasy origin immunity from crimes committed while fictional. Kentucky is considering its own version of the same type of legislation which would additionally allow endorsements to go to spokecharacters who can boast legendary status, but who’s legends are based on actual individuals. Jack Daniels has said he will consider relocating to Kentucky if such legislation were to pass.

This year, Dr. Pepper used his opponent, Mr. Pibb’s troubled childhood and college years as the basis of a smear campaign. Pepper’s ads focused on Pibb’s extensive criminal record, which Pibb later admitted was due directly to his addiction to mailbox baseball and snorting Cialis. Pibb also claims to have found salvation by welcoming whichever savior voters think he should have welcomed into his heart, and has worked tirelessly to teach orphans about trickle down economics. The Pibb campaign feels that, “Mr. Pibb more than repaid his debt to Republican society and is vastly more qualified to be the official vaguely-fruitlike soda of the Party than is Dr. Pepper.” They added, “what kind of doctor is that guy, anyways?!?”

“He is a doctor of love and holds numerous honorary degrees from non-accredited institutions,” the Pepper camp responded.

Pepper won the Republican endorsement by a landslide after rigging soda machines.