Electoral Editorial

Votes not Counted in California Probably Just Belonged to Hippie Weirdos

By Rosevelt Franklin ⋅ February 10, 2008 ⋅ Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

The furor over California’s recent disenfranchisement of 50,000 voters, may prove to be an enormous over-reaction. Fabricated sources close to Votelessness indicate that of the 50,000 votes that will likely remain uncounted due to the constitution-mockingly awful “double bubble” design of the ballot, fully 98 percent were most likely cast by hippie weirdos. So, it’s not real disenfranchisement, like it would be if actual Democrats or Republicans were not getting their votes counted.

Experts agree that hippies are prone to do stupid shit like vote for third party candidates. A future symposium of said experts could then unanimously concur that such behavior in itself is enough to indicate that hippies don’t think they are using real votes.

California’s constitution demands that the intent of the voter be counted. As Bart Thelman of the legal profession suggests, “If themguys want to throw their vote away by voting for a third party candidate, that’s fine. Just don’t ask me to count their stupid votes in a Democratic Presidential primary. You know what a hippie’s intent is? To get stoned. Can’t count that in a primary election, no matter what the constitution says.”

LA County has been in a whirlwind of controversy and blame deflection, since the Super Tuesday disaster left somewhere between 50,000 and 100,000 ballots uncountable. The problem was there was an extra step required to fill out a ballot if voters chose not to declare a party allegiance. Ballots in which the extra step was not taken were declared unreadable and subsequently not counted.

It was a little step. An easy little step. All voters had to do was indicate whether they wanted to vote in the Democratic Party primary or the American Independent Party primary. Lazy hippies don’t fare well with extra steps, which leading authorities might say could explain why they appear to have been so disproportionately disenfranchised.

Hippie weirdos are extraordinarily fond of phrases that resemble “decline to state”, according to a guy who roomed with one in college. Since California’s voter registration has a “decline to state” option for party selection, hippies, we must assume, overwhelmingly filled in that box. We also assume they filled it in with a smiley face.

Our in-house research team found data very much like the data one might collect from a legitimate scientific study that could link every hippie weirdo in California to being stoned. The same study also found actual evidence that being stoned can make it difficult to follow directions. These two findings, evaluated from a more comprehensive perspective, not only explain why so many hippie voters screwed up their ballot, it illustrates the mechanism by which they essentially disenfranchised themselves.

Society really doesn’t need to count hippie votes, and since the outcome of the primary in California couldn’t possibly be changed even if an actual count of actual votes revealed that every one of them were cast for Hillary, it’s a good idea to not count everybody’s vote. Obviously, it is statistically impossible for all of the uncounted ballots to be for Hillary, since the uncounted ballots all appear to have been cast by hippies. That means at least a handful of write-in votes for Jerry.